stupid grammar

I’m at work, it's Sunday four o’clock and I hate the fact that this computer capitalizes “I.” Is the first person so important that it needs to be capitalized? Actually I hate the bloody English language and that I have been a fake for 3 years. How the hell did I pass as an English teacher in Japan for 3 years? I can’t speak this language never mind write. The rules confuse me, grammar doesn’t make sense, and then there are all these words that trip me each time I use them. I don’t know enough words to describe how I feel…I feel inadequate. Language is supposed to bring people together but I feel defeated by it. There is no accuracy in the way I use it, and the pleasure people feel when they use the exact word, well I can’t say that I’ve experienced that. If there is one insecurity…okay I have many insecurities but grammar is on top of that list. You know people hate the way they look, their weight, the fact that they can’t talk with the opposite sex, don’t earn enough money, think that their lovers think that they are bad in bed, pressure of choosing a career, dying alone, not doing enough, doing too much…NO!!! I am not haunted by any of these. I am haunted by grammar. I cringe when I see green underlined words on my computer screen. I hate subject verb agreement.

One of the characters in the Skin of the Lion by Michael Ondaatje hates words. He prefers fucking to speaking. He said that you could never fuck yourself into a corner, whereas words could push you so fast that you wouldn’t know how it happened. That is how I feel about grammar. I feel that I’ve been speaking English since I was twelve, why can’t I get it right? If I can sleep with grammar, I would have done so long time ago, then there wouldn’t be this frustration and anger on my part…actually most likely there will be…okay I have to stop this and return to work