Memories

Telling and retelling stories solidify events in the past. It is an adhesive that constantly needs to be applied so that our memories survive the struggle against forgetting. A friend of mine, her father was telling a story about a man who won the lottery in Seballes. As I was listening to his narrative, I recognized the words he was using were identical to the ones my friend used to tell the same story. It brought me to question, what percentage of this story was his? What percentage was my friend's? How many times was this story retold within their family before this version I am hearing was completed? And does ownership really matter when it comes to memory?

For months I tried to retrieve childhood memories. My mind kept drawing a blank. I couldn't rely on photos for the few printed images I have of my family were in a box stored in a friend's house. I wanted time to move backwards and to bring me back to my uncle's salt farm in South China Sea. It’s been too long since I visited. And time tends to erase memory, making me doubt the existence of my past.

In my early twenties I used think that my past was trapped in another country and another language, that I could reclaim them by returning to the place where I grew up and by speaking my native tongue. In the late nineties I returned to the islands after 15 years of being away. But I didn't find the country I left behind and my Tagalog was poor after years of being unused. My oldest brother told me that my tongue was too soft, it undulated and that I needed to roll my tongue so that I could sound Tagalog. I took his advice. I knew that in time my language would return and my country would reclaim its lost child. It didn't happen. Was Thomas Wolfe right? I have moved away for so long and have changed so much, how could I have thought that everything would remain the way it was, just because in my mind it was suspended in time.

I tried a last attempt, language and geography could fail me but memories wouldn't turn their backs on me. Even though I had to dip into English to describe the past I knew that the individual memory has to be combined and shared with others so that it would survive. Memories are collectively owned, that is why we tell and retell stories.

Natatadaan mo pa ba noon malilit tayo. Lagi tayong pumupunta sa asinan. Naglalakad lang tayo. at lagi akong natatakot lalo na kung tatawid ako sa maliit na tuwid. kasi sa tingin ko, ako ay mahuhulog at iiwanan ninyo ako. Natatandaan mo ba ang puno ng sampalok sa asinan. Wala na noon bumalik ako, wala na rin yong la mesa. Ang pinaka gusto ko sa asinan ay ang hangin, dala nya ang lasa ng asin. Gusto ko rin yong kuwento ng maliliit na tao, na nakatira sa lalim ng lupa at pag gabi na ay umaakyat para maglaro sa asin. Natatandaan mo pa ba.